Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Changes - some good, some... not so good

May 3, 2011...  Our 3rd anniversary.  Well, at least the one written in ink, signed by the Pastor, approved by the State of Tennessee (and the IRS), and witnessed by a handful of close friends and family.  To me, I was bound to my husband the moment I met him almost 9 years ago.

WOW.  9 years.  Time has just flown by.  It's amazing to me that we've been together for so long.  There were times I didn't think we'd make it.  I'm proud of where we are, how we've managed to come through some very tough times.  

I've gone through so many changes.  Some of them are really good.  I've learned to have more compassion and understanding for people.  Oh, there are times I still judge them and want to run them over with my car, but for the most part, I do well in "living and letting live".  I have more patience, or at the very least, saying out loud that my patience is gone.  If I warn you, I'm not responsible for the outcome if you continue to do the thing(s) that has destroyed my patience!

I do sit and look back at some of the things I've lost or changes that I'm unhappy with.  Obviously, some of them are just a sign of aging and can't be helped. (At least, that's what I tell myself)   A couple of things that defined me as a person years ago seem to have just flown the coop.  It really bothers me.

This morning is a PRIME example.  The alarm went off at 4:20.  I snoozed it for a couple of minutes and finally dragged myself out of bed at 4:45.  Entering a dark kitchen to make sure my life-blood was brewing, I flipped on the light to be greeted by a light blue envelope.  Tim had bought me an anniversary card and it was written so beautifully that it brought tears to my eyes.  It said so many things that just touched my heart.  Even though I know he probably skimmed it and said "This'll do", he grabbed a winner!

Then I was filled with dread.  I didn't have anything for him yet.  Still don't.  We have a date tonight and I just expected us to exchange stuff later.  I sat at work yesterday deciding on what to get him, but as soon as my feet hit the door to head home, all thoughts left my brain.  When it did cross my mind, I just reminded myself I still had today (before dinner) to get him something.

The "old" me would have planned things out for weeks.  I would have already been on eBay or Amazon scoping out deals and have purchased just the right thing.  I thrive on gift giving.  I LOVE to give someone a gift that makes their face light up.  


The last couple of years, though.  I've seemed to just procrastinate to the point that anything I buy or do feels rushed and with limited thought.  I pay less and less attention to detail.  Either that, or I plan something out and don't follow through.  I think about all these wonderful gifts and then every idea just kinda fizzles out.

On Bryce's 5th birthday last month, we bought him his very first bicycle.  We'd hidden it in the attic, not to be seen before his party.  I had it all planned out in my head.  After all his gifts were opened, we'd make him close his eyes while Daddy wheeled in his present.  I imagined him only hearing the "oohs" and "ahhs" of the other kids and anxiously anticipating what his BIG surprise might be.

Imagine my utter horror when the bike wasn't even remembered until everyone was gone and we were cleaning up the mess!!!  I couldn't believe that I'd been so thoughtless, so careless!  

Where the hell is my brain??  This is NOT me!!  It's pretty danged hard to convince myself I still have one when I continue to do stuff like this.

A friend of mine suggested it's because I have a kid now, and a fairly active one at that.  I do feel like I'm always running somewhere, my time is stretched thin.  But I consider that to be a cop out.  I don't care how many responsibilities I take ownership of.  I should be able to balance them all!! Hooah!

Ok, so it's apparent I need to have more compassion for myself and to stop having so many expectations.  I really admire my husband who has the ability to take so many things in stride.  (Notice I didn't say "everything" LOL) We each have our pet peeves.  He just seems to have a lot fewer than I do.  

I love you, Tim!  Happy Anniversary :)


Paczki Puta said...

Happy Anniversary to you both! Please try to be kinder to yourself, Rita. Motherhood takes it out of you.

Shelley said...

xoxo Rita, your Blog brought out many emotions... when you figure out how to balance it all ... let me know.... I am still trying to figure out what is important and what can be let go!

Anonymous said...

Rita, you just made my cry...darnit! I feel a lot like you some days! Happy Anniversary!!

Anonymous said...

LOL....It posted me as Hey You (It's Heather Gentry) anyway,i meant me instead of my!

Ashleigh said...

Girrrrrrl, I am so right there with you!! I'm so forgetful and scatterbrained these days it actually scares the hell out of me...and I'm not even quite 30 yet! Go ahead and set up my room at the assisted living place, I'm almost ready to go!! It seriously does become scary and overwhelming, though, when you can't even trust your own mind to do its job---remember and think!! I always feel so guilty, but then I remember "Hmmm, Patrick can't even remember that he has band rehearsal tonight, much less something that involves me!" so I feel MUCH less guilty. He's much worse off than I am...and that makes me happy. :P

I hope you had a great anniversary and that you found the perfect gift.

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